Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I regret that I do not know the author of these daily affirmations, so that I could give proper credit!

  • As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

  • I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.

  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

  • As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

  • The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

  • As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

  • All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

  • I am at one with my duality.

  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

  • I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

  • Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

  • I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

  • Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

  • False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

  • Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute ... I'll find someone.

  • Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

  • Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

  • To understand all is to fear all.

  • I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

  • The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

  • When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

  • To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

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